A New Story about NDB's Family

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Forum' started by Bifferwine, Apr 2, 2010.

  1. Bifferwine

    Bifferwine I am a girl

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    NDB has been estranged from his mom for several years. He was born out of wedlock, a product of an affair between her and his dad. They were both married to other people at the time. She always hated NDB and never wanted him. She tried to pawn him off on relatives and friends, so he moved around a lot as a kid. And she was always running off with guys -- he has had more step fathers than he can count. His mom's boyfriends were abusive to him in numerous capacities, as was his mom. Once, when he was 7 or 8, out of anger because she was dumped by a boyfriend because he didn't want to date anyone with a kid, she killed NDB's two cats just because she was angry at NDB for existing.

    She never protected him from the men she was sleeping around with, and he was very hurt because of it. He ended up leaving home at 16, joining the military, and didn't speak to her for about 10 years. During that time, she "found religion" and decided that she was going to try to make amends. He tried, and she ended up trying to manipulate him and use him for his money. She'd always use her new religion as a means of guilting him. He was smart and decided he didn't want anything to do with her. Before he moved in with me, she would mail him letters all the time saying how he was going to go to hell if he didn't forgive her. She would write pages and pages of Bible verses, telling him about his punishments for not joining her church and accepting her God and reconciling with her. She's just nuts. The last time they talked, she said she was sorry not protecting him from her boyfriends and letting them abuse him. When he didn't accept her apology, she said he was no longer her son, took every picture she had of him, and left them in a giant trashbag in front of his house.

    They haven't spoken in as long as NDB and I have been together. He always speaks about his mom with such anger and hatred. He wants nothing to do with her, and calls her a poison.

    He got an email from a hospital today telling him that his mom had a stroke and can't move, speak and has lost her memory. He called to confirm that the story was true. He replied back to the email and said he was out of the country, he has no interest in her situation, and does not want to be contacted regarding her condition again.

    He asked me to support his decision, and I do. I know him and his mom have a long, complicated past. In fact, he told me if God has decided that it's her time to go, and God wants to make her suffer before she leaves, then good for him -- she deserves it.

    It's a weird situation. I'm so close to my parents, and it's hard for me to understand feeling this type of hatred for someone. But some things are unforgivable -- and he has turned into an amazing, thoughtful, strong, caring man in spite of his upbringing. He told me that he feels sad and confused about his mom's condition, but that doesn't change the fact that his life is better off without her in it. I asked him that if she dies without him speaking to her first, will he be able to live with that for the rest of his life? And he said, "Definitely."

    Just an uplifting little story. I like to share things on this site too :D.
     
    Bifferwine, Apr 2, 2010
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  2. Bifferwine

    motorcyclereefer I am Graffiti Petey

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    Wow, that is a hard decision to make when it is family. But I do understand that there is a point where you have to say I am not going to try to reconcile anymore. You can try and try to reconcile with some people but they might not be willing to reconcile. It is best to walk away at some times.
     
    motorcyclereefer, Apr 2, 2010
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  3. Bifferwine

    tankedchemist

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    wow, poor NDB. Tell him I fully agree with his position, and even made a very similar choice when my father was put into the hospital with a heart attack. I'm his oldest child, but after everything he put me through there's no way I'd give the man a second of my time. Good for NDB for doing what's right for him, instead of for his mother-- it's such a hard choice to make, and it's one that you have to keep making on daily basis.
     
    tankedchemist, Apr 2, 2010
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  4. Bifferwine

    cthegame

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    poor guy...i feel for him. Im sure as much hate as he has for her, deep down her current condition is affecting him...

    Truly a tragic story. i wish him all the best.
     
    cthegame, Apr 2, 2010
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  5. Bifferwine

    wontonflip I failed Kobayashi Maru

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    Wow..that's deep. Sometimes what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, as with his life. I really do hope he can live with not having seen her...but it's his choice.

    I never met my dad, and I never missed having one (can't miss what you never had!). I wonder about him but more out of curiosity than anything else. My situation is different in that I never had to go through with my dad what NDB went through with his mom. If I heard my dad was dying, I have no ill feelings towards the man...if I could see him, I probably would. But you never know what you'll do unless the situation arises.
     
    wontonflip, Apr 2, 2010
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  6. Bifferwine

    tankedchemist

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    tankedchemist, Apr 2, 2010
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  7. Bifferwine

    Bifferwine I am a girl

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    It is affecting him in that he's sad he never had a mom, and her dying shuts the door on him ever having a mom (even though he doesn't want her as a mom anyways). It's not affecting him in the way that he's sad that she's sick or dying -- I really don't think he cares about that. He has no interest in having a relationship with her. He says she is toxic, and only brings negativity to his life. A part of him even sounds glad that she's dying. He wants her to suffer and be in pain. He thinks she deserves it.

    He told me that even though he's only known my parents for a few years -- and even though they only come out to visit for a couple weeks each year, he feels as though my mom has been more of a mom to him in that short time than his mom ever was.

    He has told me several times that he sees the relationship I have with my parents, and that he's jealous he never had that with his mom or his dad. It's not too late for him though -- he has become quite close with my parents and they love him to death. He may be 34, but at least now he can have "real" parents for the rest of his life instead of missing out even more.
     
    Bifferwine, Apr 2, 2010
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  8. Bifferwine

    little_fish Moderator

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    Ya, i understand how he feels, although it wasn't my parents i was abused by, it was my cousins my parents took in and tried to save. Those years that she lived with my family were horrible, i was alienated from kids in my grade and my parents. They eventually ruined my parent's marriage and have left some horrible scars on my heart. I was so lucky to have an amazing boyfriend at the time who parents pretty much adopted me. The treated me better than my own parents, which still hurts. They are the most amazing people, and I am so lucky to have them. Im no longer dating that boy, but Im still really close to his parents. NDB is really lucky to have you and to have turned out being a wonderful individual.
     
    little_fish, Apr 2, 2010
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  9. Bifferwine

    Smitty

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    Wow Biff, I'm sorry to hear that...I wish the best for him and give credit to you, because it takes an even stronger woman to stand beside a strong man.
     
    Smitty, Apr 2, 2010
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  10. Bifferwine

    sen5241b

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    I've known people that people that can't deal with broken relationships and keep allowing abusive persons to screw with them for way too long. At least NDB has been decisive in dealing with the situation.
     
    sen5241b, Apr 2, 2010
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  11. Bifferwine

    wontonflip I failed Kobayashi Maru

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    +1 sen....sounds like if you guys ever have kids, he will do everything in his power to not be like his mom. It's possible his mom had mental issues. From what I've seen, people who go to that type of religious extreme usually end up having mental issues behind it. People who preach the book in a menacing way, instead of in an educational way, I mean. HELLO! Carrie!!
     
    wontonflip, Apr 2, 2010
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  12. Bifferwine

    steelcity

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    I'm not close to my mom either. When I was in highschool she started doing shit and hanging around with the wrong people. Stuff that you tell your kids not to do. It just kept getting worse. Her name would be in the paper and my then gf's mom would read the article and ask me what thats about. I would have no idea that she was arrested or associated with whatever happened. She wouldn't work and the lights and water would randomly get shut off. Luckily at the time I worked at a grocery store and after practice I would work or on weekends. I was in with all of the cash register girls who adored me so I was able to bring home food at a discounted rate to make dinner for my brother and two sisters.

    I managed to get myself into college playing volleyball. I wouldn't go home during breaks. On Easter break freshman year I went home when she was out. I gathered anything I wanted and that was the last time I went back. I talk to her once in a blue moon but everytime she calls it's always the same story. Negative news, she's so poor, or she has to work long shifts, etc... I prefer the minimal phone calls. No news is good news in my opinion.
     
    steelcity, Apr 2, 2010
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  13. Bifferwine

    wontonflip I failed Kobayashi Maru

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    So how are your brother and sisters doing now, Steel?
     
    wontonflip, Apr 2, 2010
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  14. Bifferwine

    cthegame

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    i also am not close to my mom after how she treated my dad during the divorce. But nothing like NDB's relationship. Biff, as weird as it may sound, you are the main woman in his life...your job is harder than you think...His motherly insecurities will play a major role in your life. He is lucky to be with a girl like you. You're strong and mature...

    Actually, come to think of it, it really does take woman like you to help him get over his issues. :Cheers:
     
    cthegame, Apr 2, 2010
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  15. Bifferwine

    steelcity

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    They didn't fair as well as myself. They are all younger than me. My brother is much younger than me (from a different donor) and I wasn't around to keep his ass in line. He's been in juvi for stealing, skipping, smoking, threatening my mom. He went to my grandparent's place one weeked some time back to stay a night or two. My grandparents are who really tried to raise me and whom I'm close to. My brother tried stealing a handle of jack and some money. I hear about this when I was home a couple years ago. I took his ass and slammed him into the wall and told him if he ever did anything ever again I would make sure I would cause him physical harm. He's out and supposedly doing better. Goes to school, wants to go to cooking school so we'll see.

    The oldest sister was very book smart. Not so on the commen sense. She could have stayed in state and gone to any local school for nothing or next to nothing. Instead she decided she was going to go to Ohio State which is very $$$$ for out of state people who don't have scholarships. I told her to get all of her loan stuff in line. Go to my old conselors who were still at the school and have them help her. She said she did so off she went. One trimester into school OSU kicks her out because she didn't line anything up. No cash. So back home she came working as a waitress/bartender. Meet some older jagoff who knocks her up. More I find out about him the more I know I'd be in jail if I still lived in Pgh. Apparently beats her, won't give her money, threatens to take her kid away because she has no income so she wouldn't be fit to keep it. Ran into him one time while I was there and saw she had some marks on her. I knocked him around some but she "loves" him. So an extremely intelligent girl turned out to not be intelligent and is pretty much stuck in a poor life.

    The other sister is doing ok. Graduated highschool and got herself into a local tech/ 2 year school for a paralegal I think.
     
    steelcity, Apr 2, 2010
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  16. Bifferwine

    wontonflip I failed Kobayashi Maru

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    Well, half you kids turned out ok. It sucks, but people who don't want to be helped can't be helped.
     
    wontonflip, Apr 2, 2010
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  17. Bifferwine

    Bifferwine I am a girl

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    Bifferwine, Apr 6, 2010
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  18. Bifferwine

    tankedchemist

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    I do. that's freaky as all hell, though. Sorry to hear about it :(
     
    tankedchemist, Apr 6, 2010
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  19. Bifferwine

    Bifferwine I am a girl

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    It is rather coincidental. That same person that has been emailing NDB on his mom's behalf from the hospital emailed him to say his stepdad was dead. I went online to verify the story, since his mom is a snake and would lie about something like that just to get him to call her. Lo and behold, it was true.

    His name was Charles. NDB used to call him "Chuck" just to get him mad. When he was called Chuck, he'd fly off the handle and into a rage and would beat NDB up. Maybe he was a glutton for punishment, but he'd call him Chuck on purpose just to get him riled up. But he was just a kid.
     
    Bifferwine, Apr 6, 2010
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  20. Bifferwine

    dcantucson

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    He sounds like a bad guy completely, but it's too bad he never came to terms with it before dying. :(
     
    dcantucson, Apr 6, 2010
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