Step Son advice

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Forum' started by Marinne13, May 10, 2014.

  1. Marinne13

    Marinne13 Northern Reefer

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    first off, let me start from the beginning...I met my husband 5 years ago and he is a bit older than me but I don't care, I love him and we are perfect together

    He has 4 kids which lived with us for 3 years in our home, but his son became a huge problem...He is super lazy and a slob, skipped school, never cleaned up after himself, stayed out late on school nights and always was calling himself in sick without our knowledge

    After about a year of that when he turned 18, my husband had enough and pushed him up against a wall for pretty much laughing at him when asked to clean his room and straighten up...He went crying to his mom and we made him move out, he needed to grow up

    Now 2 years later, his son came down with crohn's disease, mostly due to his poor eating habits...he had moved to Florida to join a band and was working retail/living with roommates but has now moved back here. He had surgery 7 weeks ago and we decided to let him live with us due to his situation and his mom living in a 2 bedroom apartment with the other 2 children.

    Well it backfired, we thought he had grown up......................

    At first it was fine, he was recouping from surgery but now almost 2 months later he has only worked 3 days for a total of 12 hours, sleeps in until 1 PM every day, stays up late, his room is a disaster with trash everywhere and clothes on the floor and he leaves dishes in the sink.

    I want him out but it's hard because he hasn't talked to his dad since we kicked him out the first time and now he is back in our life but I feel he is taking advantage of the situation. I feel he is using the sympathy card to be lazy and act like a teenager which pisses me off.

    What should I do, or what would you do...if we kick him out he will have to move back in with his mother and may never talk to us again which could hinder the relationship with his other kids
     
    Marinne13, May 10, 2014
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  2. Marinne13

    Marinne13 Northern Reefer

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    Oh and he is on facebook lying about the hours he works which is immature...he keeps saying he is working 6-7 hour shifts but I am here all day and he only works 4 hour shifts and that was only for 3 days so far

    He also was suppose to go to a doctors appointment this Wednesday and didn't go, slept in until after noon and then told his mom that he went and even made up a story of what the doctor said...I found out when my husband asked about it and I said "he didn't leave the house Wednesday so there is no way he went"
     
    Marinne13, May 10, 2014
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  3. Marinne13

    monique

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    you got yourself a real jackpot girl. i have sympathy for you. went through the same thing with my stepdaughter. minus the illness substitute budding porno star instead. basically you guys are just going to have to throw him out and let him figure it out for himself. some never do and continue to try to suck the life out of you as long as you let them. i have 2 children of my own and 3 step children. my kids turned out great and 2 of the stepkids turned out great. that last one is a piece of work. she is 25 lives and works on her own and puts the hustle on her dad for cash every chance she gets. he finally stoped answering the phone when she calls because if he says no she goes nuts. she doesnt need the money she wants the money. she dropped out of school half way through gr 11 and she is abusive. doesnt thing twice about trying to punch you or scream like a maniac if you make her mad. we got her out at 23. we just went to the closest small city {250 miles away}, paid for an apartment for 3 months, bought her a small car and 1 yr insurance and said bye. she does have good work ethics though. she went right out and got a job. she treats every one else ok. she just shits on her family. it was hard giving her the boot but you have to do what you have to do
     
    monique, May 10, 2014
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  4. Marinne13

    Marinne13 Northern Reefer

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    I know that I want to kick him out but also realize that he did just have surgery and can't afford it...I know he won't change as he hasn't yet and continues the behavior like fibbing, laziness and just a slob like when he was a teenager

    We could talk to him but my husband travels two weeks a month so it would be just me here with him and it's awkward...he isn't my son
     
    Marinne13, May 10, 2014
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  5. Marinne13

    emmett0122

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    this is a tuff one your damned if and damned if you dont IMHO sometimes tuff love is the best and sometimes u just have to make them stand on there own 2 feet and if they fall on there face dont pick them up make them pick themselves up. it will piss him off but in the long run he will come around that is if will grow up.
     
    emmett0122, May 10, 2014
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  6. Marinne13

    Marinne13 Northern Reefer

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    exactly, it's a no win situation...if we let him stay here he will milk it for everything it's worth and if we kick him out then we are heartless individuals according to the ex wife and other children
     
    Marinne13, May 10, 2014
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  7. Marinne13

    emmett0122

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    yes so you have to pick the one that will put the less strain on you and your husband the kids as they get older will the truth and who really cares about the ex as long as she isnt feed bullshit to the younger kids but any case its up to your husband to do the kicking as its is son (but your choice to make together) i know as a father of 2 boys i dont put up with lazy people im allways on there ass about helping around the house and stuff like that
     
    emmett0122, May 10, 2014
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  8. Marinne13

    monique

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    also crohns is a lifelong problem. it doesn't go away. do you want to get stuck looking after this kid for the rest of your life. it might come down to him or me. and you might not get the answer you want. you have to do whats best for you.
     
    monique, May 10, 2014
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  9. Marinne13

    monique

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    sometimes we get lucky with our kids and sometimes we get something like jeffery dalmer. you try to raise your children the best you can and hope they turn out all right but at some point you have to say i'm done now, you are on your own
     
    monique, May 10, 2014
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  10. Marinne13

    Big K

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    Get him out of the house (ideally at work) for a period of time and clean his room. Then tell him he must maintain that level of cleanliness or he does not get fed. If he leaves anything on the floor, throw it away. He will pick up after himself once things he cares about get trashed. If he won't get a job or keep regular hours and clean up after himself, Kick Him Out. Make sure he is given the choice to change though so he can hopefully realize it was his decision either way.

    Coddling is not love. Coddling them is setting them up for a horrible life in the future. It is just avoiding any confrontation and discomfort to the detriment of the child's future.

    Not showing children proper boundaries and making them deal with life's disappointments is how assholes are created.
     
    Big K, May 10, 2014
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  11. Marinne13

    Marinne13 Northern Reefer

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    he is definitely a problem child, got horrible grades in high school and had to take summer classes...skipped school every week and that's why he is working at McDonalds

    his Crohns is not that advanced, he doesn't have a bag and can eat a lot of foods

    We will give him a choice, he needs to work at least 8 hours a day or 35-40 hours a week like a normal adult, throw trash away, keep a clean room which is also good for your health, stop lying ect..
     
    Marinne13, May 10, 2014
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  12. Marinne13

    monique

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    thats fine but those rules have to be set in stone. if he fucks up you HAVE to throw him out. he is old enough to realize you guys dont have to look after him for life. and that if he wants to live with you then there is rules and boundries. geepers we all have rules and boundries even if we live on our own.
     
    monique, May 10, 2014
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  13. Marinne13

    Marinne13 Northern Reefer

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    I will, I want him out now...we gave him chances earlier in life and he disrespected us, he knew coming to live with us that he had to be an adult and he is taking advantage

    he knows what he is doing
     
    Marinne13, May 10, 2014
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  14. Marinne13

    monique

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    head games- its all about head games, oh poor me, i'm sick and you are being mean to me. watch it this can go on for a long time. sounds like this kid has a pretty good handle on how to play the game also... be prepared. throwing this kid out may mean that you physicaly pack his shit up and throw it out in the street and change your locks. maybe even have to go as far as calling the police
     
    monique, May 10, 2014
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  15. Marinne13

    kbuser92 Breeder

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    I can't offer any help, but I will definitely pry for you and your step son. Hopefully he wakes up one day and realizes that he needs to change his ways,some people do. But many don't.
     
    kbuser92, May 12, 2014
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  16. Marinne13

    mariobrothersleeve squirrel

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    He's a grown assed adult. Kick him out and let him figure it out. At 18 is were the big boy pants come on.
     
    mariobrothersleeve, May 12, 2014
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  17. Marinne13

    Salty B

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    Life's most important lessons are learned the hard way.....may be time for a lesson
     
    Salty B, May 12, 2014
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  18. Marinne13

    Marines_Wife

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    Unfortunately this is a conversation he needs to have with his dad. You came into his life late and he has no respect for you, but he needs to respect your home. If it were me I would speak to my husband and tell him it did not work the first time, and it isnt working this time. Leech needs to go.
     
    Marines_Wife, May 12, 2014
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  19. Marinne13

    boricuamed

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    I agree with the other posts in that cuddling is not beneficial. It will only foster the "poor me" mentality and behavior. Sympathy- yes, understanding- yes, comforting- yes, enabling- NO.

    Regarding his disease, Chrohn's is a life-long disease (my brother has ulcerative colitis and is similar). But having said that, it is no excuse for disrespect, or laziness. Many people with challenging diseases can live a very productive, respectful and responsible life. I also agree in that, it is your husband who has the responsibility of making sure that the rules are followed through, and, most importantly, executing the consequences of breaking them. It is never pleasant to go through such hardship to care for your loved ones, but in this case, I believe that the ground rules should be set and that the consequences of not meeting expectations be made clear. I hope that this helps.
     
    boricuamed, May 12, 2014
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